Top Alternative Bagel Spreads

Before we get to the obvious child: the bagel itself, let’s pace ourselves and start with alternative spreads on which to smother your bagel with. Cream cheese and its many varieties - obviously NUMBER ONE CHOICE. No debating that. Today we will not be talking about cream cheese, because that’s a whole other post. I’m here to talk about your nut butters, your fruit sauces, what have you. The ALTERNATIVE SPREADS that deserve more love.

While reading this list and imagining that we are putting these holy bread products into our yum sockets, let’s just assume initially that we are eating all of these spreads on a classic plain bagel for argument’s sake. Let’s also assume that these spreads are the only thing accompanying the bagel. No bagel sandwiches in this portion of the internet, only a standalone bagel and spread.

That being said, I would like to begin with an ***HONORABLE MENTION to my sweet (but not so sweet) friend vegemite, my favorite yeast spread to drunkenly order online at 3am, only for it to arrive at my house from Australia 3 weeks later after I’ve completely forgotten about ordering it. Yes, I have a love affair with this delightfully skunky shit, but unfortunately it does not qualify for this list because I wouldn’t eat a bagel spread with only vegemite on its own. Because I’m a lady, and I don’t like to throw up sober. HOWEVER- thinly spread it on with a healthy slab of cream cheese, and I’m there. Sriracha and other hot sauces also fall into this honorable mention category. Okay that’s enough housekeeping, let’s get to it.

13. Mayonnaise

I’ve heard of people slapping mayo on a bagel but I’m pretty sure they are actually just lizard people. I’m an avid supporter of mayo in other contexts, but on a bagel????? NO thank you ma’am. The somewhat bland egginess and oiliness of the mayo does not do wonders for the beautiful doughy bagel. But to be fair I used to think that people who dipped their french fries in mayo were little nasties who believe that growing up drinking water from the hose and playing kick-a-can in the street are personality traits. But turns out, it’s a fucking delicious combo. So I could be wrong. Buuut probably not.

12. Honey

I love me some clover honey but if this is the only thing going on my bagel, I would have to brush my teeth and take a bath afterwards to combat the sweetness and stickiness. Maybe I should eat more honey on my bagels to force me into taking more baths.

11. Marmalade

I’m talking ORANGE marmalade. Yes, it too is very sweet like honey but the chunky citrus qualities add more dimension and hit home for me a bit more. That said, marmalade is something that I can live without.

10. Hummus

In the context of a pita or falafel wrap, hummus can be divine. However, this option ranks low on my list because one time I scarfed down a hummus/veggie/cheese sandwich right before going to an exorcism in a crusty ballroom at a Hilton near the DFW airport as a joke, and as soon as i got home from watching Bob Larson cast out people’s spirits and yelling shit like “MAKE EXORCISMS GREAT AGAIN” I dry-vomited (probably my only sober vom in 5 years). And for that I blame the hummus, not the exorcism.

So hummus can fuck off most of the time but sometimes it’s okay.

9. Nutella

What do you think this is, 2007??? Trends die for a reason.

8. Guacamole

All the understated elegance of the avocado spread but make it zesty!! But maybe I’ll save the guac for my carne asada moments.

7. Pesto

Truly a delicious, and maybe even perfect spread in its own right. The tangy and savory nuttiness paired with the essence of fresh basil… unbeatable. However, I feel like the modest bagel is not an apt home for pesto. Don’t fight me on this. I’m just going with my gut, and my gut says that this is more of a match made in a sterile Whole Foods deli, rather than my own personal comfort food heaven.

6. Nut butters that aren’t peanut butter- almond, cashew, etc.

Sorry to rope y’all in together as I know not all nut butters are created equal, but, spoiler alert, they just don’t hold a candle to peanut butter in this context. Plus, alternative nut butters are EXPENSIVE and I’m cheap as hell so I can’t really speak on this topic, but I bet almond butter on a bagel would smack.

5. Olive tapenade

Now that’s an action-packed flavor festival right there. It’s oily, it’s earthy, it’s umami, it’s tart, it’s fine, it’s Andy! Sorry for the unnecessary trombone reference. I’ve never had the privilege of eating tapenade on a bagel before but I can dream, can’t I?

4. Jams and jellies

Delicious. Timeless. But which kinds of jams and jellies are bosses? This too could be an entirely different post. But based solely off of preference and definitely not nepotism, I believe strawberry jellies and jams to be the superior fruit preservative partner for the bagel. It’s sweet, bright, and likeable, but not too overpowering. Like Ellen Degeneres. Except strawberry jam isn’t friends with a war criminal and doesn’t extremely underpay their employees.

3. Avocado spread

A more neutral, vegetal, and classier cousin of cream cheese. After eating a bagel with avocado spread and taking a hefty swig of water, I feel like the healthiest and most elevated athlete on the planet but not really because it’s still a bagel (shhh).

2. Peanut butter

Typically, I’m a crunchy peanut butter kinda gal. The crunchier the better. Like please give me those lil nut nuggets in an excessive quantity!!! BUT in this context, i love a smooooth creamyyy peanut butter sloooowwwwly dripping off of a very lightly toasted bagel. All warm and ooey and savory and sweet.

Tl;dr, Smooth af peanut butter on a toasted bagel can get it.

And lastly...

1. BUTTER

I mean can you really go wrong with a buttered bagel?? Maybe this unexciting and non-controversial top pick is revealing the fact that I’m a bagel purist with bland taste. This is not necessarily true, but I believe that what makes the bagel a staple food is its ability to shine while being simple and understated. Butter is a staple spread in this same exact right, making this combination timeless and unbeatable. Yes, some chipotle hummus or prickly pear jelly can be amazing but you really can’t beat the classics.

When I eat a bagel for breakfast, I feel like I am reminding myself to slow down and enjoy my morning and all the simple things that come with it. Spreads that really enhance and bring out the beauty that is bagel, rather than distract from it with their bold palates, will always win.

Thanks for reading my pointless buzzfeed article. I hope it inspires you to live that hole-some bagel lifestyle.

**** special thanks to Nat and Mels for spread suggestions, and thanks to Winco for supplying me with the delicious food product.